3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
