My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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