I am in a vortex of obligation.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
