I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
