the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
