Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
