Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
where are my eyebrows?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
