I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize