Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
