She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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