i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
