i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
