I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
