if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
