Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think my moral compass just broke
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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