it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
