Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
