she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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