Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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