Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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