My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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