"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
