I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize