Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
