It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
