That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I have fence marks all over my body
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
