I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
soo... how was my night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
