You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
