i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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