My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
