she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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