nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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