Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
