i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize