why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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