apparently the secret to your success is patron
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
