The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
