you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
