So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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