i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
