theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
