Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
