evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
