I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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