Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
