Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
