I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
