Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
