he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
