My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
