I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
