Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
