And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
