false alarm. still invincible.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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