I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
