Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
