they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
