I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
