Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
